Chapter 3
Jerry Junker woke up only slightly to the thumping of heavy bass and realized he was still inside the silk lined skull head mountain in one of the most interesting parties he'd ever been to.
"this is nice... so cushy and dark...wake up! I can't sleep at a party...everyone will think I'm a junky and I'll get thrown out." He thought.
With a shaking wake, from falling asleep following the completion of a tediously boring conversation with a college acquaintance, he remembered his friend Molina, and wondered if she was still where he had seen her last with a giant paper Mache cartoon blue bird head with plaid pants and a maroon corduroy blazer. It was 10 dollars with a costume and fifteen without, just economical enough I guess to motivate Some, to make life a little more interesting even if only for the night. She was still there in the pink velvet lined fiberglass tree with felt leaves, in a heated debate on whether everything should be free or not, as it is, for the all the other life forms on the planet and as it seems to be going for music, art, software, and anything else ethereal.
The armada of pleasure seekers, entrepreneurs, tourists, galactic homesteaders, fiends, scientists, inter-stellar grifters, and entertainers, had been exploding to the far reaches of the galaxy from the site of some recent inventions, innovations, and economical occurrences: An economic crash from the discovery of a planet made of nearly all of the precious materials ever desired by any known intelligent species. This crash was dealt with, by a "United Nations" like government for that general locality, by giving the money to each citizen instead of subsidizing the banks directly. A law against inflation had been applied. because everyone new as the prices rose so would the taxes. The first thing that most citizens did was put their new fortunes in the bank. Demonstrating successfully the effectual concept of a trickle up effect. This prompted a little planet that was independent, and therefore enviously watching everyone else get rich for nothing, to give it's citizens the ability to siphon some of that wealth. They strongly encouraged tourism industries, and a giant tax break was given to anyone who could landscape or build structures which contributed to the planet's "interestingness". Dwellings were no longer designed to be economical, comical omnipresent boxes, but remodeled or built from scratch to be, fantastical, corny, minimal, maximal, kitsch, one that changed every day, some natural like a cliff with flora like a garden hanging from it and giant crystal windows, some absolutely trashy and on and on with as much variety as anyone could possibly conceive of.
Just enough to entice the bored populace to make life a little more interesting. Their ploy was successful, and it was the most popular tourist destination for a small moment, and then it became seedy. So seedy and grimy in fact, that everyone left. Long before that no one could tell what was good anymore and Nikola Tesla having been zapped into their region of the galaxy one night during an experiment in his hotel room residence payed for out of pity, he was transported to this very planet where he finally got the financial backing that had been denied to him on his home world. He hired the squatters who had moved into a boat house in the shape of a giant blargerflafer. By the end of it no one knew what was good anymore and many were despondent. The money had been wasted by most. The self destructive decadent tendencies of most intelligent species killed off a fair amount of irresponsible individuals. Some quit there menial repetitive low paying jobs to compete with their former employers or in entirely new and inventive markets. Some, with less creativity, but excited imaginations, became investors to the new swarm of entrepreneurs. Tesla finally constructed the solution that he had been brainstorming for years it was a self replicating factory, a 3d printer, that could sift all possible raw materials, through a hose from a blender like attachment. At one time trash cost money to be disposed of, and soon after was another valuable commodity. A society of educated dilatants soon worked out the idea that swarms of printer sifters could be thrown into a box with only one goal or another to work out through evolution. Many of the concepts that had seemed impossibilities in recent years. From this programmed, single minded unnatural selection, came the products that would eliminate the need for government's and minidictatorships coexisting within a democracy-euphemistically called “corporations” all together. The entropy buffer. Making everyone immune to violence or violent accidents did not bankrupt many, because most used their three fingered discount, sharing and downloading the designs to their printers. The formula for the concept of subtracting the space between astronomical objects was achieved by throwing 59400000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 bots into a ring with only
one purpose: to get to the other side with out moving forward, eventually one of them worked it out. And when it did everyone was refitting their homes for the limitless possibilities of the universe. Rolling from one planet to the next without rolling over stars pushed the mob into a web of streams
of planets, and many were instantly incinerated by bad star charts, and galactic maps.
"Oah. I need some fresh air and a fresh drink, wanna go to the roof?" said Molina
"yeah, I wonder what scopitone is playing now."
Jerry and Molina pushed through the dense crowd listening to the swing band, the exercise bike that was for opening and closing umbrellas, through the room with the vintage soul and funk, up the blacklight hallway, pausing to momentarily get down in the room with the clitchy electronic plunder-phonic music, and then on to the fire escape to risk their life drunkenly climbing a ladder that had just been climbed by 586 other people each with their plastic alcohol filled cup clenched between their jaws. Rounding the top of the ladder, was a large potted garden with many edibles growing, and the usual Christmas lights, graffiti, assorted sculptures, unorthodox seating, and five foot Lucite apple.
"I'm getting a burger, then I'll meet you over by the projector." she said.
"okay."
Jerry took a detour through the crowd, to a storm drain behind a curtain being used as a urinal, and noticed another ladder leading to yet another roof with yet more crowds and loud music. He went back to meet Molina at the projector.
"hey. what's up."
"I just found something new, it seems our party has some how expanded to another roof top, just above the urinal"
"eewww. okay, let's check it out."
"Yeah, just hold your breath for a few feet"
"uuugh.”
On rounding the next ladder, they were amazed to see the party was just as cluttered, but strangely different.
“woahh”
“yeah, it seems like these people have just got off working the set of some crazy sci-fi move, or someone spiked my absinthe with lsd.”
A being in an octopus costume slid over from their right side to greet them.
"Hello, and welcome to the Pirate Party ship! Which has been our name for over 20 minutes! it's named after one of your new political parties in Sweden we noticed. We've been fiercely sifting through your internets and processing all your musics and grooviest movies with sophistibots and DJ thunderpennie is just starting our first earth set."
The DJ was a white wookie, who began to twist a pair of glowing crystal knobs behind the multicolored light communicator from "Close Encounters..." and Yma Sumac began to resonate throughout the space that's walls were fading into view to reveal no longer a roof but a giant pleasure palace reminiscent of the city of "Sogo" from Barbarella.
"We will be rolling into our new destination in one hour, return pods will be furnished upon request."
"This is great! The audience is on stage, good concept! I'm gonna go tell more people this is up here..."
"Yes, please do, but remember to bring only interesting people- on the open-minded side, thank you. for now, you might as well enjoy yourselves as momentary celebrities; being the first earthlings aboard.”
Jerry looked at Molina.
“what?" She said. " I knew these were real aliens, five minutes ago.”
“that guy is definitely in an octopus costume, I can see the waste band, and stuffing filled tentacles.”
“Oh, no really this is one big foot. See all my little footsies down there?”
“wow, convinced.”
"so, you get paid to put this production on ?”
"yes, this ship makes considerably more than cost, that reminds me: This just happens to be your lucky day, all of your native artifacts are of obscenely immense value to hunters and collectors. No hunters aboard thankfully... but you can get nine days admission for that shirt."
"sold!" a person made of bubbles in vaguely humanoid form said. "but this is a considerable sum, a signature is needed to verify the authenticity of said item and your assurance that it hasn’t been fabricated by a fabricator. Just sign the air anywhere and…”
“Like this?”
“ Yes, there you go, you've just agreed to binding arbitration. Don’t fret." said the octocentaur “they'll just experiment on your clones a little.
"okay!, haha, this is soo good" said Jerry Junker, taking off his shirt and handing it to the octocentaur signing the air. But if I may make a suggestion- and I don't mean to imply that the yeti and the sophistibots aren’t a fabulous idea, but I believe we may have one of the best connoisseurs of music downstairs at this very party.”
"That suggestion matches with our mission here more than you know, I guess we could put off the departure a little longer if you need to convince the great earth DJ to play our party, he can curate for admission."
...brr I'm a little cold."
"Oh, of course, I'll print you out an identical shirt, just a minute...wrrrrr. Here you go."
"thanks, oh. um. it even has the mustard stain from this mornings hot dog at the park. wow."
"yes?"
"oh thank you, it's a very nice shirt...just the way it was!..."
"Do you want a different shirt?"
"well, I'd been wishing that shirt was 100 percent cotton because that 100 percent polyester was really itching me...."
"Done. and I'll throw in temperature control."
"Whoah...got any other technological advances you want to let me in on?"
"Although earth has had many of the same technology systems that we use regularly, you people seem to have a distribution problem where all the most exciting revolutionary inventions don't get mass produced; yet, if ever....haha i'm sorry we had Tesla after you that's a little inside joke there, never mind, we have a design for drug clothing that has fifteen glorious flavors of high, you look like an inebriated youngster, hallucinogenic contact lenses just block out sections of your vision and your brain fills in the gaps but leaves your head and extremities out of the fog, so to speak, and can be turned at will. It's also a massage shirt, and temperature controlled."
"okay, I'm glad I asked, I'll have one of those please, and remember, it should be knit like a t shirt but cashmere.
"Here you go, the control panel is on the sleeve in English of course."
"Thanks, oh, yeah, it's an upper, it's off, it's ecstasy, it's off, it feels like a hot shower now. That was interesting, I'll see you later."
Jerry climbed down the ladder again to find the DJ Small Change and convince him to take a little break for an unbelievable unexpected performance piece on an adjacent roof.
"I'm done with this." Molina said as she handed a defunct cell phone that was still in her bag over, and walked away to get a galactic cocktail from the ice hotel replica bar.
A little orange furry creature was sitting cross legged on the bar sipping a drink that looked exactly like a lava lamp out of a straw. "Hello, I'm Sssammm" it's invisible translator
nano bots said.
“hi , I don’t mean to offend but, where are your eyes?”
“They’re all around! watch me shake my eyes, shaka-shaka, whoa makes me dizzy: My hair is fiber optic.”
“uugh, your some kind of robot?”
“Ewww, are you some kind of carbon life form robot? No, I’m just evolved that way like you. would you like to try being small like me?”
"what?"
"small like me, sometimes I'm big, it's very different, much interestingness. We have a room here where everything can be big: The Gigantium. It changes every week, this one is like a cluttered pack rat's apartment. Last week we did the Amazon it was terrifying!: the moss was like fluffy trees.
"okay, maybe in an hour or so. I'm just about to try my first extra terrestrial drink, but this menu is a bit daunting, any suggestions?"
"yes, stay on the blue and green pages, those are for the carbon based life forms. A yellow page drink might make you sick but orange will freeze you till you are brittle, and red will make you burst into flames. Oh and black pages are full of nano bots for sick people or paranoids that need to be invincible all the time, any way your nick knack doesn’t cover it."
"holy shit, maybe I should just have a water just to be safe."
"oh, it's okay: The bartender wouldn’t serve you that anyway I just said that for the
excitement. I suggest a little jewel of genius three quarters of the way down on blue page 3. You may be pleasantly surprised what a difference it makes when the drink you are consuming is not just a depressant such as alcohol, what I mean is it's good for you, each drink may add ten years to your life."
"Okay okay, I'll have the Bludragoob."
The bar strobed as it talked to her, and a small box opened up next to her wrist.
"please deposit one authentic artifact for one nine day unlimited drink card we will also except drawings at this time."
"shit, I'm glad I brought my bag full of junk, I mean artifacts, hmmm then again, this is all stuff I need, what the heck; I am somewhat of an artist, which means absolutely nothing now that there's so many others, you know no original ideas and all that."
"AH, we have a new type of paper which allows you to draw holographically in three dimensions, would you like to try it?"
"would I! I'll be the first human artist to use this little innovation, like all the famous artists in the history books were only important because they were the first of many at one particular new technique. I may even have a shot."
"Bar?"
"yes?"
"would you print us out some 3d paper and pencils?"
"Certainly."
A sheet of paper and a pencil rose from a slot in the bar that then closed. She did a quick figure study of the furry orange guy, who was a little to eager and flattered to be the model for what would soon be a priceless artifact. Molina was amazed at how easy it was and discovered that she had had ideas for this her whole life. Fifteen minutes later she had created a crude abstracted rendition of the ship around her with a little distinctive scribbling and festooned with fractal like baroque flourishes.
"that was fun, here."
she slapped it down into the box and it closed as a glass appeared on the bar and was filled with various shades of blue. With out a second thought Molina guzzled half of it.
"It's just like a Mojito. Well any way it does the trick"
"Oh yes it does do a trick..."
"what do you mean, trick"
"well, when you have the strength of a grasshopper* you may need an obstacle course such as the Gigantium I mentioned earlier.
"That sounds awesome." She had a wild look in her face. "lets go, I hope there's a giant Crème brule."
"Well there is, but it's a day and a half old and someone got sick in it somewhere on the east side, Come to think of it I'm sure there's pockets of freshness in the north side to mine for.
"okay where is it?"
"This way upstairs."
"I would of thought elevators had been invented."
"of course, it's just that it's so out of style, you see- most intelligent species prefer the exercise."
"fair enough, hold on a second I just have to grab my friend."
Jerry was behind a pulsating crystal column in a giant fur couch, Terry was taking off his shoes and about to take a dip in the man bong while his girlfriend smoked him. Jerry had brought with him about 25 people some of whom had thrown up and retreated white-faced in terror. Others had been begging for this their whole lives and were more open minded-all were missing an artifact no doubt; and including Small Change who was about to take over from the wookie. Who was in fact very talented for a foreigner but hadn’t yet played something everyone could dance to. The new DJ would start with a mash-up and the ship began to depart.
Molina pulled Jerry by the arm and they followed Steve to the Gigantium.
"You know, the architecture of this ship-aside from the decor obviously being borrowed from awesome earth movies, reminds me of a snail.
"That, is, so, true. Good question." Said Steve. (I think the name was translated).
“It's interesting that you picked up on that, it's common knowledge now that one of the things that early explorers had found on most planets with life is some form of mollusk. The corporation that owns this ship uses it as a logo, and with the layout of snail shell it's hard
to get lost.”
*the grass hopper he refers to is 178.72 feet tall beast on a planet where everything could be described as gigantic by our proportions but where there are several known worlds in this size class, no other world was the first to receive nanobots: it was just a bit easier. Then when the planet Imensitor named for it's gravity well that stuck to the wheels of the first galactic exploration vehicles, Was the tiniest scientifically motivated populated planet known to date. Although all the oldest civilizations were under four feet in size. It traded it's nanotechnology with the rest of the united nations for the right and protection to travel around. Travel around other planets like a spaceship (which they had made for their planet) and basically take whatever they want for free. This was not such a big deal because most of the sites for the mining of things such as metals, plastics, cheese, poprocks and pudding were microns at the most; which constituted mountains for them (there was a pudding filled pool craze). Considerable research is being done in shrinking the larger life forms for beople who want endless free rescources.
j-"where's the s cargo bay."
m-"Shut up."
s-"we don't have one what's an “s” ?” Everything were not using, we recycle into a
slurry we use for mass ingredient.”
J-“That sounds like a good name for a band: “Mass Ingredient.”
M- “Yeah, we should finally do it, start a band name it that, or something better.”
J- “Don’t you think were a little too old to start a band right now?”
M- “Shut the fuck up Jerr, I’m still 28 your only 37!”
S- “I play an instrument, it’s being translated as Light Sensitive Synthesizer.
M- “Let’s go to a practice space after we’re small okay?
J- “Yeah, I’m in on the alien jam session It’s time to see how universal music is.”
S-“Do earthlings play in half tones?”
M-“Other than some Cambodian gamelan from the fourteenth century? only when were really out of tune.”
Hazaa! And here we are.” “Translated as Steve” said as he opened the door to a small closet sized room which led to a room filled with what seemed like assorted diorama sized miniature environments and rooms, the detail’s were unbelievably good and the plants looked alive, things moved.
“This is amazing but I think the translators off again with being small and giant.”
“Just get back in the booth, and look at each of us through the goggles on the wall here.”
The instant Jerry looked at them, they shrank to near microscopic scale, and upon shrinking Translated-As-Steve ran over to a tiny podium which contained a truly tiny pair of goggles which in turn shrank Jerry as soon as the light traveled through his orange mop to his visual cortex.
